The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalm 18:2
Misery loves company, as the world says.
Emotions are open doors, to the enemy and this is a slick way for him to bind us and make us slaves again. Dealing with inner turmoil, like having daddy issues, worth and insecurity issues, health issues, family issues, and financial issues I found myself exhausted. Not only physically, but emotionally, spiritually and mentally as well. The fire which God was using to perfect became to much to bear, and after such a long unending journey of burning in the oven, this vessel was ready to walk away from it all.
Since last year the enemy has been trying to get my heart away from God. Battling with thoughts that tell me that I have been waiting in vain, that God has forgotten me and that He does not listen, much less would answer, to my prayers. As I mentioned misery loves company, and if we do not guard our hearts and transform our minds daily- we WILL get caught up in a negative mind state. A negative mind frame. I had experienced depression for all of my life since I was 14, but I simply learned to live with it as many do. When I met Jesus, I told Him I was too young. The second call, I was too distracted. And on the third call, I gave Him my life.
The week of my 25th birthday, Jesus broke the chains of depression, delivered me from demons of lust and lascivia, and healed my spirit from witchcraft and astrology. And as any true convert, God will bring some shaking into our lives, to prove our faith and our hearts.
Everyone that knows me knows that I live to help people: to encourage and empower. I do not know why I am like this. And when I found myself in such a negative mind state, I became concerned!! And this season of my life, had me extremely concerned and beat me up on all sides. I found myself without a job, and spending all of my savings. I finished school and obtained a Bachelors. I received the ministry I had 5 years fighting for, but I began to drift into comforts. The pain was so unbearable, I yearned for comfort. Comfort I could see and feel. I was tired of spiritual things, and having only spiritual things. I entered frustration, and became discontent with my life altogether. The wait was making me bitter again. I stopped caring about guarding my heart and filtering my mind, and began to question God. I asked God things like: What’s the point of me waiting for everything, yet everyone gets what they want when they want it? Why am I single, while people who are christian are out there having sex and living their lives to the max? Why am I waiting for your promises, when I know I can make things happen for myself? Why come to church if I still leave with the same problems I had when I came in? Why pray if God still does what he wants? Why submit to leadership if they are in their flesh? When are all these processes going to end, is there any good news, is there a break coming soon?
In October, I gave God and myself an ultimatum. I told God if I do not shake this off I am leaving and even if it kills me, I am getting divorced from God. I was already wondering if God loved me? And God giving Jesus for our salvation did not even matter to me. Having the Holy Spirit inside of me, was troublesome of course, because He was sad as well. But i was done. I felt that God was playing games with me, my emotions and my life was wasting away. I felt that God had only teased me by showing me the promise land, my purpose and my husband.
I decided that God and I had a bad relationship, and I wanted divorce.
I felt so forgotten by God like he doesn’t even listen to my prayers. Like Rachel and Hannah just like some wife on the side. I began to feel forgotten by friends and family as well. I missed having fun, taking trips and conversing with others. i missed having friendships and sharing life with others, I began to resent Christianity because it can be so superficial as far as friendships, and this started causing loneliness and isolation in me. It’s amazing how you can be surrounded by multitudes, yet feel alone. I know people care and love each other, but it is different when you are connected to each other. To have a bond, or to build a friendship is not a common thing; and those things weer circling in my soul.
I was fatigued like the valiant men of David, who met him at the cave of Abdullam. They were worn out! And he was made leader of them, God’s ways are so strange. I was called to encourage everyone else, while I myself was falling apart. While I myself needed help in the faith.
1 Samuel 22:2
- And everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was bitter in soul, gathered to him.(ESV)
- And everyone who was in distress, everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was discontented gathered to him. (KJV)
We have to decide to fight for our peace, our joy and salvation with the word of God.
This is why I started writing devotionals because I needed to stay in the word of God. I was at the point where I no longer cared to read the bible or pray, and when I did it was sporadically and briefly. Everything seemed to interest me more than God, and godly things. I began to drift into the abyss of the world: money, sex, and the fast life. And my joy was non-existent. I was broken inside, but I seemed fine. Atleast, I can say I had some sort of hope, that God could change my life in a New York minute. But I often wondered: when!?
And as the months have gone by, I have learned that whether God changed our circumstances or not we must continue to be content. We have to fight to remain humble at heart. We have to fight to be at peace with God, ourselves and others. We have to please God, in order to have joy in life.
We cannot defeat any devils, without the word and without being in communion with God. The only way that I remained afloat was by attending church, and by giving classes to my youth group. Yes, I was serving God and I was in ministry but I was battling demons. YES. BUT GOD! I am still standing ONLY because of GOD. The devil thinks He won the fight, But God does not let go of us.
Lord Jesus, I present to you this testimony and those who will be reading: I pray you may minister to people and to whoever needs the encouragement, the exhortation and the validation so that they may know that we are in a life long battle with spiritual forces of darkness. Some of these enemies we will never see again, and others by God’s grace we will be able to manage. I pray you would cover the hearts and minds of your people, and instill in them a deep conviction of pushing forward to the high calling in Christ Jesus. That our goal may be fulfilling God’s call, and getting to heaven. That our earnest desire would be to hear the Lord refer to us as “My faithful servant”. I pray for those who have lost the desire to go on, to seek you or to believe, I pray for their strengthening and for your favor to come over them by your love and grace. I pray for those who have slipped, tripped or fell, that you lift them up again. And I pray for those who find themselves bound by any type of darkness be it physical oppression, emotional chains or mental strongholds be released and set free in the name of the King of Kings Jesus The Christ! The All Powerful and All Knowing, Immaculate, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, Most Holy and Righteous son of God, AMEN!